The conversations you need to have in ethical non-monogamy are harder than most relationship talks.
You're talking about jealousy. Fear of abandonment. That your partner's date went really well but now you're spiraling. The rules that aren't working anymore. The boundaries you need. How you can't stop comparing yourself to their FWB.
These topics are loaded with intensity. Monogamous couples rarely have to confront half of this stuff. You do, regularly.
Because these conversations are so emotionally charged, they often turn into fights. Someone gets defensive. Someone says something sharp. Suddenly you're both shouting, nobody's listening, and you end up further apart than when you started.
So naturally, you start avoiding the hard topics. You keep things bottled up. You tell yourself it's fine, you'll deal with it later, it's not that big a deal.
But silence has a cost too.
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The Cost of Not Saying Anything
When you don't communicate your boundaries, something quiet and dangerous starts happening.
Resentment builds. Every time your partner unknowingly crosses a boundary, you feel it. But because you haven't told them, they have no idea they've done anything wrong. They keep doing the thing. You keep feeling hurt. The resentment accumulates, compounding quietly until it's enormous.
Distance grows. You can't be truly intimate with someone you're hiding your needs from. Every time you swallow your words, you create a small separation. Over time, those small separations become a canyon. You're physically together but emotionally miles apart.
You lose yourself. When you repeatedly override your own needs to avoid difficult conversations, you start to disconnect from what you actually want. You stop trusting your own feelings. You become someone who just goes along, and somewhere in there, you forget who you are.
So if you really think about it, silence doesn't actually keep the peace. It just delays the conflict. Eventually, something will push you past your limit and everything will come out at once. Not as a calm conversation, but as an explosion of pent-up hurt, blame, and months of unspoken pain. That is the true cost of silence.
The Cost of Speaking Too Soon
But there's another pattern that's just as destructive: speaking before you're ready.
Something happens that hurts you. Your partner postpones your plans once again. They're late coming home from a date. They forgot to text when you'd asked for check-ins. The hurt spikes immediately into anger or panic.
And before you've had time to process what you're actually feeling or what you actually need, you're already attacking:
"You obviously care more about them than about me."
"I can't believe you'd do this after everything we talked about."
"You're so selfish."
It comes out sharp as an accusation, loaded with all the hurt underneath but expressed as attack. Your partner has to defend themselves. Now you're both shouting. The original issue doesn't get addressed at all because you're too busy fighting about how you're fighting.
You need a better way.
The Simple Framework
The way out is not by staying silent. And it's certainly not by unloading on your partner whenever the intense emotion hits. You have to learn how to communicate your needs in a way that invites connection instead of defensiveness.
Talk about what's happening for you, not what they're doing wrong.
Instead of: "You're so obsessed with your new date, you don't even see me anymore"
Try this: "I've been feeling disconnected lately. I miss how close we used to be. Can we talk about what might help?"
The first version makes them defend their dating, but the second version invites them to solve a problem with you.
I-Statements vs. You-Statements
This is the simplest shift you can make.
You-statements sound like accusations, even when you don't mean them that way:
- "You never prioritize me anymore."
- "You're always on your phone texting them."
- "You don't care about my feelings."
These immediately put your partner on the defensive. They hear criticism. They start defending themselves instead of listening to your actual needs. The conversation becomes about whether they're a bad person, not about what you need.
I-statements own your experience without blaming:
- "I've been feeling like I'm not a priority lately, and I need more quality time together."
- "When you're texting during our time together, I feel disconnected. Can we put phones away during dinner?"
- "I'm feeling hurt and I need to talk about what's happening."
The structure is simple:
"I feel [emotion] when [situation]. I need [request]."
Not: "I feel like you're being an asshole." That's still a you-statement disguised as an I-statement.
Actually: "I feel hurt when plans change at the last minute. I need more advance notice when schedules shift."
Do you see the difference? One invites your partner to understand you. The other makes them want to defend themselves.
When you use I-statements, it takes the anger and the attack out of the conversation. It's like deflating a balloon full of poison, and now you can focus on what the real issue is and work on it together.
Focus on Your Experience
Talk about what's happening for you, not what they're doing wrong.
From this: "You're so obsessed with Jessica, you completely ignore me now. No texts, no nothing."
To this: "I've been feeling disconnected from you lately. I miss the closeness we used to have. I love how we used to go to cute cafes every Sunday. And the goodnight texts you used to send me..I loved those, they made me feel warm and fuzzy. Can talk about doing some of those things again?"
Same underlying issue. Completely different energy.
The first version puts your partner in the position of defending their new relationship. The second version invites them to help solve a problem with you. You're on the same team trying to figure out how to meet both your needs.
Be Specific
"I need to feel more valued" doesn't tell your partner what to do.
More compliments?
More time together?
Thoughtful dates?
Cute gifts and symbols of love?
"I need one date per week where we're fully present together, just us, no phones" is actionable.
The more specific you are, the easier it is for them to actually do something about it.
When to Wait
Sometimes the best communication is knowing when not to talk yet.
If your heart is racing, your thoughts are spiraling, you want to make them understand right now: wait.
You can say: "I'm feeling really tense right now. I need to take a walk and cool off first. Can we talk about this in a few hours?"
It's a considerate move. You're recognizing that you're not in the right state to have a productive conversation, and you're choosing to wait until you are.
Your partner will appreciate it too, honestly. Because having these conversations when you are hurt and ready to jump on them rarely go well for anyone.
Still Hard
This framework doesn't make the conversations easy. They're still hard. You still have to say "I need more time" or "I'm feeling jealous" out loud.
But it gives you a way to have them without fighting. To express needs without attacking. To invite connection instead of defense.
In ENM, you can't avoid hard conversations. The structure requires them. But you can learn to have them in a way that brings you closer instead of pushing you apart.
Start with "I feel" instead of "You always." Talk about your experience, not their failures. Be specific about what you need and know when to push the pause button.
If you want to dive deeper into communication skills and setting healthy boundaries, I recommend checking out our boundary workbook.
