Picture this: you're at a party with your partner, and you watch someone across the room light up, come over and start flirting with them. Your stomach drops. Your chest tightens. That familiar burn of jealousy starts spreading through your body.
If you're exploring any form of non-monogamy you've probably felt this before.
Most people think jealousy is natural. It's not. It's a bug, not a feature.
The weird thing about jealousy is that it works backwards. You're not actually scared of losing your partner. You think you are. You're scared of not being enough. Those are different problems.
When someone's jealous, they try to solve the wrong problem.
They monitor their partner's texts.
They get upset when their partner talks to attractive people.
They create rules about who can do what.
But none of this makes you more enough. It just makes your partner feel trapped and policed.
Here's what actually happens: jealous people slowly strangle what made their partner attractive in the first place.
The confident, social, charismatic person they fell for starts dimming themselves to avoid fights.
Eventually you're left guarding something that barely resembles the person that you started dating and wanted to keep.
The smarter approach is counterintuitive.
When other people find your partner attractive, that's good news. It means you picked someone worth picking :)
Think about it. You chose them partly because they're appealing.
When others notice this too, they're just confirming what you already knew. It's like owning art that appreciates in value. You don't get angry when dealers recognize its worth, do you?
More importantly: they chose you back. That's the part that matters.
Compersion
There are many couples who've figured this out.
They actually feel good when their partner gets attention. Not in a performative way, but genuinely. They've realized that their partner being desired by others doesn't threaten them; it validates their choice.
There's even a word for this: compersion.
It means feeling happy about your partner's happiness, even when it comes from someone else. Most people have never heard of it, but it's not that exotic. Parents feel it watching their kids succeed. Friends feel it celebrating each other's wins.
It's only in romantic relationships that we've been taught to see other people's joy as threatening.
The hard part is getting there.
You can't just decide to stop being jealous.
But you can stop acting on it.
Each time you feel it and don't attack your partner, don't lash out at their interest, don't reach for control, don't let it run your life...you're training yourself.
Eventually the feeling gets quieter. Trust me.
Practical Steps to Release Jealousy
So how do you actually let go of jealousy? It's not like flipping a switch, but there are concrete steps you can take.
Start with radical self-honesty. When jealousy hits, pause and ask yourself: "What am I really afraid of here?" Usually, it's not actually about the situation in front of you. It's about some deeper fear or insecurity that needs attention.
Challenge your assumptions. That voice in your head creating dramatic stories about what's happening? It's probably wrong. Instead of assuming the worst, try assuming neutral or even positive intentions.
Build up your own sense of worth. The stronger your self-esteem, the less threatened you'll feel by others. Pursue your own interests, celebrate your own accomplishments, and remember what makes you uniquely valuable.
Practice gratitude for your relationship. Instead of focusing on what you might lose, focus on what you currently have. Appreciate the good moments, the inside jokes, the comfortable silences, the shared dreams.
Communicate openly with your partner. Share your feelings without making them responsible for fixing them. Say "I'm feeling jealous and I'd like to talk about it" instead of "You're making me jealous."
Reframe your thoughts actively. When you catch yourself thinking "They like that person more than me," try "They enjoy connecting with different people, and I'm glad they're social and engaging."
The best open relationships aren't the ones where people never feel jealous. They're the ones where people feel it and then realize it's something they can choose to not give in to.
They've learned to distinguish between real threats and imagined ones.
(Spoiler: it's usually all imagined.)
Your partner doesn't need a prison ward, they need a teammate.
Your relationship doesn't need walls, it needs windows.
And you don't need to shrink others' light to make yours shine brighter.
The green-eyed monster might visit occasionally, but it doesn't have to move in permanently.
You've got better things to do with your time than feeding it.
If you want practical exercises to work through jealousy, you can check out our jealousy workbook.
