The most common failed experiment in non-monogamy is the one-sided open relationship. One partner gets to date other people. The other doesn't. And the partner who doesn't somehow convinces themselves they're fine with it.
They're almost never fine with it.
The same story keeps appearing online: Someone posts that their partner wants to open the relationship, but only on their side. The poster claims they're okay with it because seeing their partner happy turns them on. Can this work?
The revealing thing is that they're asking. If they were genuinely okay with it, they wouldn't second guess it or need external validation from others.
They'd already know.
Table of Contents
The Pattern
Here's what actually happens, according to people who've lived it:
The first time or two is exciting. Novelty does that. You're caught up in your partner's energy, maybe you participate somehow, and it feels like you've discovered something.
But around the third time, a thought appears: "They're having a great time. I wish I could experience that."
You try to ignore it. Maybe you manage a few more times. But the thought doesn't go away. Eventually you say: "What if we opened it for me too?"
This is when you discover the double standard. Your partner reminds you that's not what you agreed to. They would be too jealous. They thought you wanted this. You might even be accused of breaking the rules by asking.
The resentment that was quietly building becomes impossible to ignore. You don't want them to have a good time anymore because you realize they don't want the same for you.
Your relationship is now in trouble.
Why It Fails
The problem isn't the fantasy, because the fantasy can be genuinely hot. The problem is living it.
In the fantasy, you control everything. You imagine the exciting parts and skip messy emotions. Reality gives you all of it, no shortcuts.
Your partner spends hours getting ready for a date while you watch Netflix. They come home glowing, talking about how amazing this new person is. They're on the phone texting someone during your dinner. You're supposed to be happy about all of this while having none of the same freedom.
That's not a relationship. That's you doing all the emotional labor for someone else's adventure.
The Asymmetry Problem
What makes one-sided arrangements particularly corrosive is the double standard they encode.
Your partner expects you to:
- Work through jealousy
- Navigate fears
- Support their needs
- Celebrate their new connections
- Give them time and space for adventures
- Stay faithful through all of it
But they won't do the same for you.
They've essentially said:
"I'm not willing to work through jealousy, so you can't have what I have. I won't share."
When you agree to this, you're agreeing that your needs matter less.
You're agreeing that they don't have to grow, but you do.
This isn't just unfair. It prevents your partner from developing the emotional skills they'd need for actual non-monogamy. The ethical version. They never have to confront their own jealousy, build real security, or develop genuine compersion.
So what happens when life throws a curveball?
Picture this: You develop a genuine friendship with an attractive coworker. Or someone flirts with you at a party.
Your partner notices, and if they've never worked on their jealousy, they'll flip out.
And suddenly you're dealing with accusations, anger and double standards after months or years of supporting their adventures and managing your own emotions.
The Queen Fantasy & One Penis Policy
Sometimes people frame this as a "queen" fantasy, she gets multiple partners while he stays loyal. Or the other way around, where he gets multiple partners and she stays loyal, typically this is called the One Penis Policy (OPP). It might work as bedroom talk, but it's toxic as a relationship structure.
Real empowerment in non-monogamy comes from both partners having genuine freedom and security. Not from one person holding all the power while the other stays locked down.
The Rare Exceptions
I should be honest and mention: it sometimes works.
Some examples:
- You are genuinely into cuckolding or similar kink dynamics where your arousal is specifically tied to them being with others while you remain faithful. You are actively getting off on it as consensual power exchange
- You are asexual or low libido and genuinely do not want sex with your partner or others, but do want to see their needs met elsewhere
- You have a dead bedroom situation and explored all other avenues and you both decided to go forward with this arrangement
Or if it's genuinely temporary while they figure something out, with a clear end date and lots of communication.
But most people convincing themselves they're in one of these exceptions aren't.
They're just uncomfortable saying no.
What to Do Instead
If your partner wants to open the relationship but doesn't want you seeing other people, here's what actually matters:
Don't agree to it hoping it works out. Have the hard conversation now:
"I understand you're uncomfortable with me seeing other people, but it's not fair to expect me to do all the emotional labor while you get all the freedom."
Push for mutual freedom even if you don't use it immediately. You don't have to date others right away or ever, but you should have the option. It's about equity. One day you might want to explore, and now is when to establish that right.
Better yet: if they can't handle the idea of you with someone else, they're not ready for non-monogamy at all.
They're ready for a power dynamic where they get what they want and you support it.
So, if one of you genuinely does not want to have sex with others, they can choose not to date but they do need to have the option to do so, if they change their mind in the future. That is the fair way to do it.
The Core Problem
Non-monogamy should expand your relationship, not create hierarchy. It should be built on mutual respect and shared emotional labor.
The reason one-sided arrangements fails for the same reason any unfair system fails: resentment builds faster than justifications can contain it.
The person with freedom doesn't want to give it up.
The person without it can't suppress wanting it forever.
No amount of "but you agreed to this" changes that imbalance.
If you want practical guidance on setting up healthy boundaries, you can check out our boundary workbook.
